Sunday, February 27, 2011

You would think that spiraling out of control would slowly tapper off to maybe a trickle out of control.
Boy was I wrong.
It feels as if my spiraling has gone from a dust storm to a hurricane.  I can't find the motivation to blog, let alone get out of bed in the morning.  I am eating to make myself happy and I am reminded about my emotional eating with daily jokes from my team and my coach regarding my increase in size.  I have zero friends here to spend time with.  I have emotionally turned myself off and haven't responded to a single email within the past 3 months (sorry to everyone who has tried to reach out).  And to make things even better, my team is in last place, I haven't gotten paid since November, and I think it's safe to say i'm not having the most incredible season.

This post is not at all an attempt to get sympathy comments (I would prefer you don't leave any) or have people try to cheer me up.  This is more of an attempt at some self therapy and trying to cope with my situation.  I would have gladly been blogging about my experience from the beginning, but due to previous posts upsetting my co workers, it has resulted in me holding everything inside and self sabotaging my happiness and sanity.

My problems have taken over my life so much so that my marriage has gone to shit and my best friend hasn't talked to me in two weeks.  I have zero patience to have a conversation and often times it results in me screaming at the participating party.  Tears come far too easily and human interaction has become more of a chore than a desired free time activity.

I can't even remember what my laugh sounds like.