Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sometimes I get nervous that I am passing up so many opportunities by frantically looking for pieces of home here in Russia.  Anything that will remind me of warm summer days, boat rides, family dinners, and sushi (potentially even this Russian pizza which was really tasty) is what I am so eager to find.
But I often wonder what kind of new memories I may be able to create here and every other new place I visit.  I can't help but to feel reluctant to completely indulge and consume myself in the culture, food, and lifestyle.  I guess part of me is just nervous to find something better than what I already love so much or something that may deter me from returning to where my life is or what has been comfortable/the norm for me for two decades.  Maybe I might discover a part of me that wants to travel these far off distant lands and not return home to my family and where I have created so many fond memories.  As stupid as it may sound on paper, it is a truly scary feeling.
I know there is a place inside me that may feel this way and I can sense it emerging.  I usually have no issue of going with the flow (as long as it is my flow) but I finally had my life mapped out.
This is a big deal!
It took a lot of time, stress, and pimples on my T-zone to decide what it was I wanted.
Being recently married, the thing I wanted to do the most was settle down with my husband, start a family, and create a home.  Traveling the world is not what I wanted but what if I look back in 10 years and read this post and feel a burning desire to punch myself in the face?  I look at this incredible opportunity and the chance to be part of the lucky few and to be given something so special, and what is it I want?
To be normal.
Maybe this new opportunity is a sign that the treasure wasn't on the map I had drawn out for myself.