Thursday, January 24, 2013

Bode and I made it back safe and sound.
Even though this trip was for work, we had so much fun just getting away.
A majority of the time I was in bed.  
This process has been not only emotionally draining but physically draining and terrifying as well.  I convinced myself I was dying a few times.
In my mind I just kept thinking, "there is NO WAY this process is normal."
Well, guess is.

One of the few nights we were there, Bode and I felt it was necessary to continue to live life.
To have some fun.
To make each other smile.
So, after much encouraging on Bode's part, he managed to drag me down to a little restaurant called "The Velvet room."
Dark red, crushed velvet.
We opened some wine and laughed and ate some absolutely terrible food.
We then thought going to a bar for some drinks to just unwind would be an evening well spent.  So off we went, down the streets of Kitzb├╝hel over to some little hole in the wall bar.  Bode even opted to take the challenge of teaching me how to play pool.
We laughed, we drank (probably a little too much), we danced all over the bar (and by danced I mean shook our bodies to the beat of the song that played previously to the one we were actually dancing to), we attempted to play pool against some locals who were grateful to be done due to my unsportsmanlike behavior.  I thought shimmying behind the hole they were aiming for would help their focus.  And the best part was that Bode and I were the only two in the bar for a majority of the night.  I think we scared everyone else away.
Needless to say, we spent the next day in bed reminiscing of a fantastic night and laughing.
It was so great to just distract ourselves from the sadness we have been feeling.
Even though I still sob at the sight or sound of a baby, I just remind myself that life and happiness is still very much in my blood and my heart.  My spirit is not broken.  Plus, I have my best friend with me every day.
Just some more reassurance that we are okay.

to everyone who has been there to keep picking us back up.
We are so lucky for the people who have been so kind and shared their wisdom and love.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Just Getting Back Up

it clears my mind
it soothes my soul
and I feel it's so important to connect with people who may have or may be going through similar things.
I wish I had been more involved and more persistent with my postings.  Writing brings me to a happier place.

So as most people know, the last few months have been ummmmmm, how do I put this?
Exciting, but totally just "fly by the seat of my pants" insane.
It all started when.....
I met the love of my life (I didn't know it at first)
We got engaged
We got married
We got pregnant
We bought a house
We moved onto a boat
and have been traveling non stop
along with a lot of other things that are not so fabulous and quite frankly, they break my heart.
But we have learned that life is no joke and sometimes it really hurts.  
The promises and commitments we made (through good and bad and all that other jazz) have been tested.
Like seriously tested.
We have screamed at each other
We have ignored each other
We have even thrown food and called each other names. 
But what makes all these horrible times seem so insignificant, is that without fail, we rise to the occasion.  And the bigger the issue, the more we come together as a unit and the better we seem to handle the situation.
It's the who's going to clean the cat box? or which football game are we going to watch? that really sends us into the craziest and most pointless arguments which we usually end up laughing about anyways.
But what brings me to this post is one of the most difficult things Bode and I have faced together.
11 weeks and a couple days into all the excitement and pure joy of building our new little family, we lost our baby.
I don't even know how to express the initial feeling of not seeing a heartbeat on the monitor other than total panic, helplessness and the hope that the guy doing the ultrasound was actually the security guard from the front desk.
I begged him to check again, and again, and again.
All we could do was place our hands on my belly and tell our little one that we love him and we are so sorry and then we said goodbye.
I would do almost anything to change that day just to see life in what I've come to love and call "my little peanut." 
But I know and have always believed that everything happens for a reason. 
Right now it may seem like total cruelty and torture and it makes me want to stomp my feet on the ground and cry and think that life is so unfair, but I know we will have a beautiful family one day.  I know that this was yet, another test.  And I also know that we are going to be okay.

One last thing....I'm asking for help.
I've mentioned how therapeutic writing has been for me but I struggle to find the motivation and creativity to write.  So please...
ask questions
throw out topics
I look forward to connecting